Organising myself

I need to organize myself.
4 months; 120 days had past and I am still in the same state.
I am typing and deleting this too many times because I don't know how to feel about this.

Should I treat this state seriously or should I be patient? In school everything has been planned for, your exam schedules, your estimated time of graduation, your holidays, the end of your holidays etc. So as students we don't have to be afraid or worry that we would lose our status as a student because we always have something ahead of us.

But none is present the moment you graduate and drop that status. You become an adult. You have a responsibility. You have the social pressure.

Something I feel myself suffocating because of the condition I'm under. That desperation. That helplessness. That  feeling of losing. Every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every month. I feel that I could collapse into a black hole any time, with nowhere to go and no way out except to deep further into the empty grounds.

This is tougher than any exams or tests that I have been through. From the past I have always gotten the second choice, like instep vs summer exchange, Korea vs Taiwan exchange, Ford vs Exxon, Mitsubishi vs IR, PG vs UL, and it had worked really well for me so far, until now. It was really easy in the past and now is the real test of luck. That one time failure in UL made me realise how I have been so backward in my thinking and reacting skills as compared to 2 years back.

I used to have so much potential as a student, I need to go back to my notes and begin my thinking journey again.

Organizing my thoughts with discipline and not act or react on impulse/emotions, without using my brain.