The last time I was part of a funeral was the death of my grandfather 20 years ago. The only things I remember are the soft drinks, the curry chicken, burning the incense paper for 24 hours and crying very badly.
We were already mentally prepared to let her go because she has been suffering for so long. That's why I already knew to make every visit at the hospital the last time I would see her alive. The morning I received the message, I went to the washroom to let it all out. It was the first time in so many years that I cried so hard. The second time happened after her body came back and we had to go one round to see her body before the coffin was nailed. I was the last person so I went behind to let the tears flow to ensure nothing falls on her.
The wake lasted 5 days 4 nights, today, the last day was the cremation.
The first night was almost empty, and the 4 cousins stayed overnight to fold and burn incense papers. It was a good family gathering. I caught some sleep in the morning before heading down again. The second night was almost full and there were food. My manager V came with her husband and some money from my company. I really appreciated that even though I didn't work for very long. I stayed till 4 am with people playing mahjong. The third night Sida came and I stayed till 2am because I was so tired. The forth night LJ came down and there were some rituals and burning of house. I stayed till 7am before my father took over.
Today was the cremation at Mandai after a long ritual. The third time I cried so hard was on the way back because I just had to let it go. Life is a fresh new page now without ah ma.
Ah Ma holds a special place in my heart because she had been my motivation and consideration for many things. I am sad that she is gone, but at the same time happy that she's in a better place now, relieved of her pain and suffering.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
My Grandmother
When I was young, my entire family stayed in a Kampong at Lim Chu Kang or Amakeng. I couldn't recall much, except on Sundays when the young ones gathered and played. When I was born, they said I was a roti prata because I had Jaundice, my skin was yellow and I had to be sun-bathed as a baby. I didn't have much memories of my grandmother back then. That was until K1.
She would always tell me how my uncle used to pick me up from kindergarten in a pick-up truck and before going onto the truck I would pester him to buy me a char siew bao. If he wouldn't buy me the bao, I would refuse to get down the truck when we reached home and the adults would come and talk me into getting down. Then I would always say "明天才买" (buy it tomorrow). She would said it always tickled her because it happens almost everyday.
One of the funny memories I had. When I was younger, I didn't know how to use the toilet paper because in the past my parents would help me clean my butt after I did my business. The habit continued when we moved to the HDB and I had to stay at my grandma's place most of the time because my parents would be at work until the evening. After I did my business, I would just shout for her and she would come and clean my butt for me. Even when visitors are around, she never failed to come to me when I called for her. I'm so embarrassed now recalling it. She cared about my tests or exams in school that she would always make me drink chicken essence whenever I told her I have a test. I started developing the habit again in University.
After we moved to HDB flats, I would stay over at my grandma's place during the holidays or weekends and I would stay in her room. I pulled the mattress on the floor beside her bed and sleep with the fan blowing at me. Without fail, she would wake up early in the morning and after cooking breakfast, come and snuggle with me and switch off the fan. Being young, I always thought it was very irritating because it's so warm so I would come up and switch it on again. I didn't realised she was actually sleeping beside me until I was older and gradually stopped sleeping over. I thought it was kind of sweet that she does that.
I remember the $5 barber haircuts that she would bring me to in Teck Whye. She was always concerned about my hair, even until now and she would always ask me to cut my hair and keep it short.
Whenever I was awarded a bursary from my Primary School, she would be so proud to attend the award ceremony, even if there were so many students in front of me and I had to wait around 1 hour before they announce my name and the 30 seconds on the stage taking the award and shaking the MP's hands. She would dress up and bring me there and back, smiley all the way. It happened every year during my primary school.
My mum began to work at home so I didn't have the chance to see her much. I would make it a point to visit her once every 2-3 weeks. Maximum 3. She was kind of sad that I had to leave for Shanghai after she was bed-ridden and didn't allow me to go unless the company doubles my pay. Of course she didn't tell me that, she told my parents. I was also worried about her and when she fell down once, I was prepared to fly back.
Even when she's in the hospital, she wants to maintain her looks, like she would ask the nurse to always tie up her hair, even if it's wet after bathing, until my aunt helped her cut into a shorter hairstyle. She would also always wear her dentures because we visit almost everyday, just to look better with teeth.
When she was admitted to an isolated ward in NUH, I went there after work in my formal wear. She had not seen me wear smart formal before. She could recognize me with my combed hair and while I sat beside her watching TV, at the corner of my eye I knew she keep stealing glances at me and smiling because she had never seen this side of me before. I'm glad she did.
Some weeks ago I went to see her at the hospital. Her speech is blurred, probably she's too weak to speak properly, and she has been hallucinating. She has been recalling and telling my aunt about things of the past, like why isn't my father here because she wants to go to her kampong house downstairs. She also saw my grandfather, who had passed away. She also said something like "it's so dark, how do I walk there?", while looking around at the ceiling, her hands always trying to grab or catch something. She also said of my aunts' grandfather, who would roll opium to smoke.
We told her to sleep so that we could go home but she said she didn't want to sleep because she didn't want us to go. She had been recalling a lot of things. I left with a dry hurting throat and red nose. Her last week her symptoms were getting worse. She had these bad seizures and she told my cousin she's feeling very terrible and restless. The day before she died she was low on oxygen and unconscious. She struggled a while before it was time. My cousin described her opening and closing her eyes, her facial expression tensed for 2 times before her breathing slowed down and stopped.
The lady who took care of me and watched me grow from a baby to a young man now.
She had a good life. Her kids were there to care for her until the end. One of the reasons that I had been fighting so hard in my life is to make her proud. Sometimes I feel so pressured and motivated to excel at the same time. One of the things I might regret is not letting her see me get married or have kids. I'd think she would very much like to see that too.
She passed away in the morning of 23 June 2015.
Ah Ma, I hope that you are happier and more peaceful now.
She would always tell me how my uncle used to pick me up from kindergarten in a pick-up truck and before going onto the truck I would pester him to buy me a char siew bao. If he wouldn't buy me the bao, I would refuse to get down the truck when we reached home and the adults would come and talk me into getting down. Then I would always say "明天才买" (buy it tomorrow). She would said it always tickled her because it happens almost everyday.
One of the funny memories I had. When I was younger, I didn't know how to use the toilet paper because in the past my parents would help me clean my butt after I did my business. The habit continued when we moved to the HDB and I had to stay at my grandma's place most of the time because my parents would be at work until the evening. After I did my business, I would just shout for her and she would come and clean my butt for me. Even when visitors are around, she never failed to come to me when I called for her. I'm so embarrassed now recalling it. She cared about my tests or exams in school that she would always make me drink chicken essence whenever I told her I have a test. I started developing the habit again in University.
After we moved to HDB flats, I would stay over at my grandma's place during the holidays or weekends and I would stay in her room. I pulled the mattress on the floor beside her bed and sleep with the fan blowing at me. Without fail, she would wake up early in the morning and after cooking breakfast, come and snuggle with me and switch off the fan. Being young, I always thought it was very irritating because it's so warm so I would come up and switch it on again. I didn't realised she was actually sleeping beside me until I was older and gradually stopped sleeping over. I thought it was kind of sweet that she does that.
I remember the $5 barber haircuts that she would bring me to in Teck Whye. She was always concerned about my hair, even until now and she would always ask me to cut my hair and keep it short.
Whenever I was awarded a bursary from my Primary School, she would be so proud to attend the award ceremony, even if there were so many students in front of me and I had to wait around 1 hour before they announce my name and the 30 seconds on the stage taking the award and shaking the MP's hands. She would dress up and bring me there and back, smiley all the way. It happened every year during my primary school.
My mum began to work at home so I didn't have the chance to see her much. I would make it a point to visit her once every 2-3 weeks. Maximum 3. She was kind of sad that I had to leave for Shanghai after she was bed-ridden and didn't allow me to go unless the company doubles my pay. Of course she didn't tell me that, she told my parents. I was also worried about her and when she fell down once, I was prepared to fly back.
Even when she's in the hospital, she wants to maintain her looks, like she would ask the nurse to always tie up her hair, even if it's wet after bathing, until my aunt helped her cut into a shorter hairstyle. She would also always wear her dentures because we visit almost everyday, just to look better with teeth.
When she was admitted to an isolated ward in NUH, I went there after work in my formal wear. She had not seen me wear smart formal before. She could recognize me with my combed hair and while I sat beside her watching TV, at the corner of my eye I knew she keep stealing glances at me and smiling because she had never seen this side of me before. I'm glad she did.
Some weeks ago I went to see her at the hospital. Her speech is blurred, probably she's too weak to speak properly, and she has been hallucinating. She has been recalling and telling my aunt about things of the past, like why isn't my father here because she wants to go to her kampong house downstairs. She also saw my grandfather, who had passed away. She also said something like "it's so dark, how do I walk there?", while looking around at the ceiling, her hands always trying to grab or catch something. She also said of my aunts' grandfather, who would roll opium to smoke.
We told her to sleep so that we could go home but she said she didn't want to sleep because she didn't want us to go. She had been recalling a lot of things. I left with a dry hurting throat and red nose. Her last week her symptoms were getting worse. She had these bad seizures and she told my cousin she's feeling very terrible and restless. The day before she died she was low on oxygen and unconscious. She struggled a while before it was time. My cousin described her opening and closing her eyes, her facial expression tensed for 2 times before her breathing slowed down and stopped.
The lady who took care of me and watched me grow from a baby to a young man now.
She had a good life. Her kids were there to care for her until the end. One of the reasons that I had been fighting so hard in my life is to make her proud. Sometimes I feel so pressured and motivated to excel at the same time. One of the things I might regret is not letting her see me get married or have kids. I'd think she would very much like to see that too.
She passed away in the morning of 23 June 2015.
Ah Ma, I hope that you are happier and more peaceful now.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Binge weekends
I just ended Friday with a really rude asshole at work but looking back this week I felt accomplished.
I finished reading the very awesome and exciting Half Wild and I'm re-reading it again. I also binge-watched and finished the very awesome and addictive Sense8 with an incredible ending. I just started OITNB and it's also quite entertaining.
Monday I had a lunch treat from TT, Bhaskar came in with a lot of chocolates. Tuesday I had a buffet dinner in the office and desserts at chijmes with pear and gang. Thursday was lunch with Gladys, and the Jurassic world movie. Friday lunch with HR talk.
Jurassic World was not bad. Wesley and I were afraid we will be irritated by kids but turns out the adults were more scared of dinosaurs. I do admit it was pretty scary. Haha.
For 2 weekends consecutively I have been staying at home. The first I finished Penryn series and this time was binge-watching. It rained in the morning today I almost didn't want to go to the gym but I'm glad I had the discipline to drag myself there. I pushed myself a little off the edge today and felt like puking at the end but it was satisfying. I have been doing this for almost 3 months now, I need to continue to see results.
My bank account is almost empty so I have to save up to spurge for my next trip which I haven't plan but looking forward to very much. Pay's coming in in 7 days time!
Tuesday, June 02, 2015
Fresh books
Looks like its going to be a holiday-less June for me because my insurance has taken all my cash from my bank account and I'm not left with much in my balance. Spring season is past gone in most countries and summer's in. Some beachy place maybe? Or else I'd have to wait for autumn in September.
Last weekend was Vesak day long weekend and I had an unexpected haul from the JE library! I managed to snagged all the new comics, the sequel to Half Bad: Half Wild which came out fresh in the library, and after reading Angelfall, I spotted the 2 sequels World After and End of Days at the new books shelf. Just like having freshly baked bread from the bakery, I was the first to flip those delicate and ceaseless pages. Ah... the smell of new books.
Last weekend was Vesak day long weekend and I had an unexpected haul from the JE library! I managed to snagged all the new comics, the sequel to Half Bad: Half Wild which came out fresh in the library, and after reading Angelfall, I spotted the 2 sequels World After and End of Days at the new books shelf. Just like having freshly baked bread from the bakery, I was the first to flip those delicate and ceaseless pages. Ah... the smell of new books.
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