My Grandmother

When I was young, my entire family stayed in a Kampong at Lim Chu Kang or Amakeng. I couldn't recall much, except on Sundays when the young ones gathered and played. When I was born, they said I was a roti prata because I had Jaundice, my skin was yellow and I had to be sun-bathed as a baby. I didn't have much memories of my grandmother back then. That was until K1.

She would always tell me how my uncle used to pick me up from kindergarten in a pick-up truck and before going onto the truck I would pester him to buy me a char siew bao. If he wouldn't buy me the bao, I would refuse to get down the truck when we reached home and the adults would come and talk me into getting down. Then I would always say "明天才买" (buy it tomorrow). She would said it always tickled her because it happens almost everyday.

One of the funny memories I had. When I was younger, I didn't know how to use the toilet paper because in the past my parents would help me clean my butt after I did my business. The habit continued when we moved to the HDB and I had to stay at my grandma's place most of the time because my parents would be at work until the evening. After I did my business, I would just shout for her and she would come and clean my butt for me. Even when visitors are around, she never failed to come to me when I called for her. I'm so embarrassed now recalling it. She cared about my tests or exams in school that she would always make me drink chicken essence whenever I told her I have a test. I started developing the habit again in University.

After we moved to HDB flats, I would stay over at my grandma's place during the holidays or weekends and I would stay in her room. I pulled the mattress on the floor beside her bed and sleep with the fan blowing at me. Without fail, she would wake up early in the morning and after cooking  breakfast, come and snuggle with me and switch off the fan. Being young, I always thought it was very irritating because it's so warm so I would come up and switch it on again. I didn't realised she was actually sleeping beside me until I was older and gradually stopped sleeping over. I thought it was kind of sweet that she does that.

I remember the $5 barber haircuts that she would bring me to in Teck Whye. She was always concerned about my hair, even until now and she would always ask me to cut my hair and keep it short.

Whenever I was awarded a bursary from my Primary School, she would be so proud to attend the award ceremony, even if there were so many students in front of me and I had to wait around 1 hour before they announce my name and the 30 seconds on the stage taking the award and shaking the MP's hands. She would dress up and bring me there and back, smiley all the way. It happened every year during my primary school.

My mum began to work at home so I didn't have the chance to see her much. I would make it a point to visit her once every 2-3 weeks. Maximum 3. She was kind of sad that I had to leave for Shanghai after she was bed-ridden and didn't allow me to go unless the company doubles my pay. Of course she didn't tell me that, she told my parents. I was also worried about her and when she fell down once, I was prepared to fly back.

Even when she's in the hospital, she wants to maintain her looks, like she would ask the nurse to always tie up her hair, even if it's wet after bathing, until my aunt helped her cut into a shorter hairstyle. She would also always wear her dentures because we visit almost everyday, just to look better with teeth.

When she was admitted to an isolated ward in NUH, I went there after work in my formal wear. She had not seen me wear smart formal before. She could recognize me with my combed hair and while I sat beside her watching TV, at the corner of my eye I knew she keep stealing glances at me and smiling because she had never seen this side of me before. I'm glad she did.

Some weeks ago I went to see her at the hospital. Her speech is blurred, probably she's too weak to speak properly, and she has been hallucinating. She has been recalling and telling my aunt about things of the past, like why isn't my father here because she wants to go to her kampong house downstairs. She also saw my grandfather, who had passed away. She also said something like "it's so dark, how do I walk there?", while looking around at the ceiling, her hands always trying to grab or catch something. She also said of my aunts' grandfather, who would roll opium to smoke.

We told her to sleep so that we could go home but she said she didn't want to sleep because she didn't want us to go. She had been recalling a lot of things. I left with a dry hurting throat and red nose. Her last week her symptoms were getting worse. She had these bad seizures and she told my cousin she's feeling very terrible and restless. The day before she died she was low on oxygen and unconscious. She struggled a while before it was time. My cousin described her opening and closing her eyes, her facial expression tensed for 2 times before her breathing slowed down and stopped.

The lady who took care of me and watched me grow from a baby to a young man now.
She had a good life. Her kids were there to care for her until the end. One of the reasons that I had been fighting so hard in my life is to make her proud. Sometimes I feel so pressured and motivated to excel at the same time. One of the things I might regret is not letting her see me get married or have kids. I'd think she would very much like to see that too.

She passed away in the morning of 23 June 2015.
Ah Ma, I hope that you are happier and more peaceful now.