My Motivation

It has been almost 2 weeks since Ah Ma passed away.

The past week I was out of sorts. I am unsure of my motivation in life. Why am I doing this? Why do I need to work so hard? Why do I need to push myself to earn money?

She had always been my motivation to push myself and out-do myself in all other ways. All I wanted is to make her happy, make her proud that she had such a grandson that she can tell or show off to other people, because I was the only grandson who bore the family name who had made it to University and I knew I had limited time with her. The motivation and pressure on me.

Whenever I tell her my achievements she would smile, chin up, nod her head a few times and say "guai lo".

It was during university when I was really stressed out. There were so many times I wanted to give up while studying for exams. The pressure of doing well became my motivation and vice versa. I truly wanted to make her happy with my achievements.

Many times I had major decisions to make, like going overseas to study or for internship or for work, she was always my main concern. I had always made a point to visit before I'm gone for a long period of time.

There was once she wasn't feeling very well, a pain somewhere, so I sat beside her bed and just chat with her. She told me about her brothers and sisters taking the boat to Singapore, 7 days and they ate sweet potato on the boat. She had never contacted them much after she settled down with my grandfather. We talked about many things that afternoon. After talking she just felt better and the pain was gone. I was glad I had this effect on her.

She always told me she loved the ah balling in peanut soup that I bought but the shop in Clementi but it had closed down.

I don't want the memories to fade when I get older that's why I'm blogging them down to remind myself.